There are so many ways that porn addiction effects someone’s life. If you have been following Overcome you know that the addiction changes people. Addicts start believing Satan’s lies about being alone in their struggle, lies about their self-worth, and for the married addict, lies about their spouse. One the biggest lies believed by many addicts is that if their wife (or husband) ever found out that they would hate them. For many addicts the fear of their spouses back lash is so great that even when asked repeatedly and after being told that the response will be love, they still choose to lie.
In my experience, and talking to other married addicts, the thought process goes something like this: “I would much rather answer to God for my lies than to see my wife deal with this amount of pain and betrayal.” And the sad part is that this type of thinking only drives the addict to more seclusion, decreased intimacy, and more than likely, back to porn.
So, what can a wife (or husband) do?
Look for the signs
If you suspect something about your husband, here are some telltale signs of porn addiction:
1. Decreased interest in sex
Even though the addiction craves increasingly more ways to act out, as the addiction escalates, the addict begins to lose interest in their partner. There are two reasons for this. First, as they act out to porn they become desensitized to other forms of pleasure, even sex. Secondly, because of the mounting shame they are holding within themselves they find it difficult to be physically intimate with their spouse.
Porn addiction isn’t the only reason a man might suffer from erectile dysfunction, but this is a growing problem for even guys in their 20s because of prolonged porn usage. Because they have conditioned their brain to only be turned on by pornography, sex with their partner no long excites them.
3. His sexual tastes have changed
On the other end of the spectrum from the first two signs, there are some men that after watching an endless stream actors and actresses, positions, and other taboo practices, want to act out these fantasies. This might mean your husband becoming surprising demanding or even violent during sex or angry that you won’t perform acts for him.
4. His devices’ browser histories are empty
I have been around computers for the majority of my life and I never seen an internet history erase itself. If it is blank than that means someone deleted it. Remember, most computers and cell phones have multiple browsers installed on them and each is unique to the different user profiles that can sign in to the device. Learn the tech!
5. He seems emotionally distant
As I already stated, one the byproducts of a porn addiction is the increasing shame the addict has to deal with on a daily basis. For some, the best way to cope is to withdraw from their loved ones. Either because they want more along time to act out or that the pain of seeing you is just too great.
6. He is secretive or defensive
When you walk into a room does he suddenly get nervous or make quick movements on his computer or phone? Does he get offended or nervous when you want to look at his phone? When you ask what he’s been doing online does he get defensive? All of these questions point to a kind of secretive lifestyle that porn addiction thrives in.
7. He wants you to change
Whether it’s your hair color, your clothes/outfits, or your weight, the more a man gets entrenched in porn the more novelty he will crave. It’s how the addiction works, enough will never be enough for him. If he is constantly wanting something else and you can never seem to satisfy him by being yourself, you might want to start asking questions.
As I stated at the beginning, many men, even when told there will be no consequences, will still choose to lie about their addiction. Look for the signs, continue to bring up the subject, show him sites like ours that offer help, continue to voice your acceptance of him, and pray. Beyond that or actually catching him there isn’t much you, as the spouse, can do.
If you need more help on what exactly to say to your husband to get him to admit and seek help, please email us here. We want to help and we have helped many who are exactly where you are.